


For Your Sake

by popering



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, Child Abuse, Death, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mostly hurt though, Poverty, Prostitution, Violence, btw the child abuse is not done by kuchel, but you don't have to read it that way, implied eruri, kid levi, this fic is about levi's life specifically before his mother died
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:21:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29096439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popering/pseuds/popering
Summary: In the days surrounding the battle to retake Wall Maria, Levi reflects on his childhood.
Kudos: 28





	For Your Sake

**Author's Note:**

> the original title for this was 'deathbeds'

Levi believes it is in humanity’s best interest if Erwin does not lead the expedition to retake Wall Maria.

Erwin is a courageous leader and a brilliant—if daring—strategist. He is confident. He is charismatic, intelligent, and his passion for humanity’s survival is rivaled by none. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that Erwin Smith was born for his role as Commander, but as any member of the Survey Corps can tell you, joining its ranks is not without risk. Erwin, a gambling man himself, knows eventually the hens will come home to roost. In some ways they already have, and yet he continues to push his luck. He is not the same able-bodied soldier he once was, but his role is so vital that he cannot be dismissed, nor would he submit to such a request if demanded. Levi learns this first-hand.

He believes humanity’s best bet is to keep Erwin in command as long as possible. There’s never been a more effective leader of the Survey Corps, but to be effective is to be, at times, cruel. Erwin bears his burdens well, but Levi knows they take their toll on him. Yet, for all Erwin has given of himself—his conscience, his humanity, his arm—he is still a selfish man.

This is Erwin’s dream. This is what Erwin has been fighting tooth and nail for since he was a child—to find out the truth of the titans, of what really happened to humanity. Erwin will risk his life simply to say he was there the moment they learned everything. That his and his father’s theories were correct. Levi is almost jealous. He’s never had such a lofty goal, let alone been so close to achieving it. For most of his life he has only been preoccupied with survival. There’s no time for dreams when you don’t even know if you’ll make it through the week.

No one would ever describe humanity’s strongest as a doormat, but still, Levi is too kind. For all he threatens to break Erwin’s legs, to make him useless for the upcoming battle, he can’t deny him this. He has always trusted Erwin’s judgment, and what is humanity without dreams? Without hope?

Levi leaves frustrated, unable to convince Erwin of what he knows is true—that a safe, alive Erwin Smith is what’s best for humanity. What’s best for the Survey Corps. What’s best for the man himself.

What’s best for him.

*

Levi had just turned four years old. Like any other day, his mother was dropping him off with a friend for a few hours or so. Despite Levi promising that he would be on his best behavior, that they wouldn’t even notice him, wouldn’t even know he was there, Levi was not allowed to be with his mother when she met clients. He didn’t know why; his mother only told him that children should play, not work, and so Levi would be shepherded somewhere else while she couldn’t look after him. She led him down the hallway of the building they lived in so he could be watched over by one of his mother’s friends, but Levi was always reluctant to leave her side. Most of the people that lived there tended to ignore him or otherwise regard him with contempt. They sneered at him. They looked at him and his mother with pity. They avoided her. They pretended he didn’t exist. Either way, no one there had ever paid him mind unless it was to scold or punish him. For every face he could not put a name to, he knew only isolation and hurt. He much preferred the company of his mother, whose soft touches and kind words always comforted him, but when he wasn’t allowed to be with her, she often made rounds between the few women she was friendly with so Levi could be looked after while he had to be away.

Maureen was his least favorite of his mother’s friends. She was rather old and heavyset, always smelling like a mix of too-sweet perfume and cigarette smoke. Her voice was deep and gravelly, and it grated on his ears. What was worse, though, was the state of her room. It was always littered with ash and bottles, sometimes spilled and not picked up. Dust and cobwebs filled the nooks and crannies between walls and furniture, which always made Levi sneeze if he inhaled too deeply. Her room reminded him of a cave, and she was the creature that did not take kindly to intruders, despite her deceptive smile.

If his mother were around, Maureen would pinch his cheeks (much to his displeasure) and crow about how cute he was, how big he was getting. As soon as she was out of sight, however, Maureen couldn’t be bothered with him. If Levi complained that he missed his mother or that he was hungry, the older woman would shoo him away or berate him for being so helpless. She was especially irritable when she drank, which she did quite often around him. Levi tried his best to stay out of her way, which became harder and harder the longer he was there for, especially since all their living spaces were no more than a single bedroom. Levi was always particularly wary if she sought him out on her own, looking to put him to work that was dangerous or impossible for him—still clumsy and uncoordinated as most toddlers were. When his mother came back, Maureen would call him an angel, a pleasure to have over. His mother would pick him up and ask how it was, to which Levi only ever responded with a noncommittal hum while he clung to her neck, relieved she was back.

Levi liked when his mother brought him to Pelica’s room. Pelica was much younger than Maureen, maybe even younger than his mother, and Levi thought she was incredibly fun to play with. She had a large collection of makeup and a lot of bright, shiny clothing—a lot more than his mother had—and she always let him play with it. His mother often returned to Pelica’s room to find Levi with lipstick smeared around his mouth and some gaudy eyeshadow color smudged up to his eyebrows. Under Pelica’s roof, Levi was allowed to put on whatever makeup he felt like, but if he wanted eyeliner or mascara, the older girl had to do it for him. Sometimes Levi let her put on all his makeup. She had a number of bottles and tubes and whatnot that Levi had no particular interest in—gravitating naturally to things with bright colors—but Pelica always used them on him anyway. He never really understood why, but he did agree that he looked much prettier when the older girl did his makeup instead. Similarly, if Pelica didn’t have anywhere to go later, sometimes she let Levi put makeup on her—as long as he was careful. He also liked to play dress-up with her clothes, often wearing one of her shirts like a dress and trying to walk in her platform shoes which were much too big and heavy for his feet. Time always felt like it flew by when he was with her and before he knew it, his mother would be back to pick him up.

But Levi’s favorite babysitter was a woman named Claire. She had long, curly golden hair and clear, bright eyes. Her teeth were crooked, but her smile was always wide and sincere. He liked that she always seemed excited to see him when he came over, giving him a big hug and saying how she missed him. Levi was too shy to say the same, but he would nod his agreement. He liked Claire because she was so kind and attentive to him—just like his mother. Levi liked to play pretend with her, often using pieces of splintered-off wood chips, matchsticks, nails, and whatever else he could find as stand-ins for the people and things in his stories. Claire would play with him, follow his rules, and ask him questions about what should happen next. Levi would never forget the day Claire gave him the closest thing to a doll that he’s ever had. They were just sticks tied tightly together with thread, made in the shape of a person with arms and legs, but she had also sewn them small clothes. One wore a soft dress made of linen—similar in look to the patchy, frayed-at-the-hem night gown Levi always wore—and the other had been sewn pants of the same material and a navy cotton shirt. It was one of the best—and only—presents Levi ever got.

One thing he always looked forward to when he visited Claire were the stories she would always read to him. Claire was the only person Levi knew that could read. Not even his mother knew how. Claire only owned two books, both of which were small but thick paperbacks, their pages yellowing and curling with water damage in places. Claire would sit him in her lap and read one chapter at a time, and even after they’d finished both books together, Levi would ask her to read them again. As enthusiastic as he was about the stories, and as much as Claire would use her finger to point at the text, Levi thought it was a shame he never properly learned how to read back then, only able to recognize a few words that popped up over and over again. He was too busy getting lost in stories about knights rescuing princesses, or lonely maids who fell in love with noblemen. Levi always wanted her to read more, wanted to know what happened next—even if he already knew. Though the thing he liked most about these stories were that they always had a happy ending. No matter what problems they faced, no matter what monsters they encountered, they always lived happily ever after. It was Levi’s favorite part.

But best of all, Claire always had extra pieces of dried fruit and jerky for him whenever he came over. Fruits and meat were not things easily found in the Underground, even preserved, and the only time Levi was able to have some was when Claire shared it with him. Levi always made sure to save some of it so his mother could have some too. He loved the look in her eyes when he surprised her with it. She would smile wide and kiss his cheek or his forehead, telling him how lucky she was to have such a kind and thoughtful son. Levi always swelled with pride when his mother told him that, but mostly he was just glad that he could make her as happy as she made him.

Despite the pleas he always made to stay with his mother while she worked, Levi couldn’t complain about getting to see Claire that day. In fact, as they walked down the hallway, Levi slipped his hand out of his mother’s and took off in the direction of Claire’s room, hoping to surprise her. Kuchel shouldn’t have let him get so far away. Every squeaky door in this place looked exactly the same and Levi hadn’t yet learned which doors led where. He hadn’t learned which doors were okay to open and which ones should never be touched. His mother could only watch in dreadful anticipation.

Without any hesitation, Levi barged into the room he thought was Claire’s and immediately realized his mistake. This room was quite large, bigger than any room Levi had ever seen here. It was full of tables and chairs, dim, exposed lightbulbs that hung from the ceiling, and noise. The strong stench of tobacco hit his nose at the same time his bare feet stepped in something sticky.

There were a lot of grown-ups sitting around; they were drinking, smoking, playing cards, laughing too loud, getting into arguments, yelling. Some of them were wearing the same uniform. A lot of them swayed and stumbled when they stood up or swung their arms around wildly while they told stories, speech slow and slurred. Most of them were older men. It set Levi on edge. As much as the women he lived with scorned him and his mother, they were rarely violent. On the other hand, there was only one adult man Levi had ever encountered, and nothing good had ever happened when he appeared.

He came infrequently, banging on the door to their room or simply barging in with no regard for privacy. Sometimes he only yelled, usually at his mother. He would call her an ungrateful wretch, accuse her of stealing. He would threaten to get rid of her, kick them out on their asses and watch them rot on the side of the street. He was always angry. If he was in a particularly bad mood, he would threaten Levi too, just to watch his mother beg. He would yank him by the arm or the collar of the old nightgown Kuchel had sewn to fit his small frame and drag him out of the room kicking and screaming, threatening to sell him to the highest bidder. His mother would cry out, Levi would struggle, frightened and confused, and the man would hit him upside the head or slam him against a wall. When Levi’s mother tried to wrestle him out of the man’s grip, he would hit her as well, wrap his thick hands around her fragile neck and choke her until she turned nearly purple. When he finally left, Levi would be sobbing in his mother’s weak arms, terrified and wishing he could protect them. But all he could do was cry. 

Now, he was frozen in place, though it seemed no one had noticed him yet. Before he could run back out, however, he was grabbed harshly by the same man who always terrorized them.

He dragged Levi behind the bar, which was full of liquor bottles and ammunition for a rifle that sat below the counter. Levi cried out, both in surprise and from the tight grip the man had on him, but his shouts were silenced when the man pressed his other hand hard against the small boy’s face, blocking his mouth and nose and preventing him from breathing.

Brothels like the one the man ran were the Underground’s worst kept secret. The sale of women, as it was on the surface, was technically illegal though, as it also was on the surface, most turned a blind eye. The difference was the attitude of the MP’s that seemed to always be lurking. No self-respecting MP wanted to be assigned a position in the Underground; the job was below them, as were the people. Most of the military police who patrolled this subterranean metropolis were sent there as a demotion, a punishment. Others were fresh out of the Cadet Corps and being sent to the Underground was their freshman hazing. All of them were eager to get positioned back on the surface though, going to extremes to frame people, arrest anyone who looked at them wrong, and prove their worth to their superiors. They politely pretended to believe the bar façade the owner presented, especially since most of his customers were MP’s themselves, but catching one in the wrong mood was the quickest way to get sold out and having unwanted, bastard children wandering around his place of business would ruin him.

“What the fuck are you doing in here, you little shit?” The man seethed, spit flying from his lips.

Levi’s eyes were wide with terror, face quickly going red and tears already spilling over. He was panicking, lungs burning with a lack of oxygen. His chest heaved with sobs he couldn’t let out, unable to breathe, frightening him even more.

“Is your mother such a useless bitch she can’t even keep you out of the way?” He exclaimed as he dragged him to another door behind the bar. He shoved Levi into the hallway he’d just come from so roughly he fell on his hands and knees, gasping and wailing loudly, afraid of the man and overwhelmed by the shock of fear and adrenaline rushing through him.

“Olympia!” The man shouted.

Kuchel, who had been running toward the door Levi went through, turned around and came back, seeing her son sobbing at the brothel owner’s feet. She immediately went to her knees, scooping Levi up from the ground and hugging him against her chest.

The man backhanded her.

“If I ever see your little mistake up front again, I’ll lock him in the broom closet until you convince me not to feed him to the dogs out back, understand?!” He screamed down at her.

“Yes, sir!” she answered frantically. 

“I should’ve thrown you out on the street with the other whores as soon as you got pregnant. I’m not running a fucking daycare.”

“Yes, sir. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” She stared down at the ground, unable to look him in the eye.

“I sure hope for both your sakes it doesn’t,” he spat and walked back into the bar.

As soon as the door closed, Levi broke out into louder cries. His mother rocked back and forth, hushing him and cooing that he was alright, she was here now. She didn’t want the noise in the hall to draw attention from any of the women in the nearby rooms, knowing that nothing good could come of it, but the child cradled in her arms snapped her out of her thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Mama! I’m sorry!” Levi cried against her chest, his small hands fisted in her dress.

She ran her fingers through his hair, kissing the top of his head and shushing him.

“It’s alright, sweetheart. It’s not your fault. There’s nothing to apologize for. I’m here now, I’ll always be here.”

Levi had no reason not to believe her.

*

Erwin had never promised that he would always be there. It would’ve been idiotic to say such a thing, let alone believe it. Yet, standing here now, Levi realized somewhere along the way he started taking Erwin’s presence for granted. Even after all of his close calls. Maybe because of his close calls. He was always there in the end, after all.

Not this time.

Erwin had never promised Levi he would always be there but looking down at him resting more peacefully than he’d ever been in sleep, Levi couldn’t help but feel the same heavy anguish he experienced when he was a little boy, unable to wake his mother.

He does what his childhood self couldn’t. He covers Erwin’s lifeless face with his cloak—he can’t bear to look at him like this. Levi doesn’t want to remember him this way. When he thinks of Erwin, he wants to remember him with all the warmth and color of life in his cheeks, not the bleak pallor of death.

He goes downstairs and fetches a glass bottle sitting on a broken windowsill, still full of water from last night’s rain. There are small white flowers growing through the floorboards where sunlight shines through the windows. Levi picks two—one for Erwin, and one for his mother, who he never got to honor in death.

Levi goes back upstairs. The light taps of his footsteps seem too eerie in the silence. He sees Erwin exactly where he left him and his stomach flips like he can’t believe it. Like he can’t believe he’s really gone.

He sets the flowers in their makeshift vase on the bedside table, in the sunlight where they might live just a little longer. He glances at Erwin one last time, placing a hand on top of his and squeezing gently—a final goodbye before he goes. Levi has rarely had the opportunity for such a proper parting before someone leaves him. The expression on his face tightens.

He abandons Erwin’s side, forcing himself not to look back.

*

Maureen dies not too long after that incident.

She’s found in her room by a client she was supposed to service that night. The man walks in and sees her collapsed at the foot of her bed, not breathing and no trace of a pulse. Her dull eyes were wide open when she was found, according to the rumors. Everyone assumes she died of a heart attack or some other natural cause, but there’s no telling for sure. The man who found her gets a refund.

It’s no skin off Levi’s nose. He hears from others gossiping in the hallway that Maureen’s dead and he doesn’t particularly care one way or the other. All he really knows is that his mother stops taking him to her room and he’s quietly relieved.

“Sorry about Maureen, kid. I know you liked to hang around her place sometimes,” someone says to him in the hallway not too long after. Levi’s surprised she’s talking to him. He just shrugs and continues clutching his mother’s dress.

Much to his surprise, but apparently no one else’s, Pelica dies about six months after that. His mother is out buying overpriced, stale bread from the merchants down the street while he’s left on his own in their room. Levi is bored more often than not when he’s left alone, so naturally he’s curious when he hears a commotion down the hall. He’s not supposed to leave their room when his mother’s not there, but he can hear everyone else’s doors opening as people gather outside. Levi peeks out and sees everyone crowded by Pelica’s room.

He slips out of the bedroom and his sockless feet pad silently down the hall. He’s still quite small and none of the women gathered in the doorway bother to stop him, so he gently pushes his way through their legs until he’s inside. Two women are already there, standing on opposite sides of Pelica’s bed.

“I thought she was quitting this shit,” the one with her back turned to him says.

“She was, last I heard. Guess something happened,” the woman facing him replies. She looks up and sees Levi standing in the room. “Hey! Someone get him outta here! This isn’t something he needs to see. What’s wrong with you all?” she huffs at the women standing behind him.

The woman who was originally turned away from him turns around and moves to guide him back out to the corridor. As she leaves her spot by the bed, Levi catches a glance of Pelica. There’s vomit smeared on her face, sliding down her cheeks and dirtying the pillowcase.

“Is she sick?” he asks as the woman picks him up and carries him out of the room. No one ever picks him up except for his mother and sometimes Claire.

“Afraid not, honey. She’s alright, though. She’s up there in the sky now,” she explains, expression solemn. Pitying.

Levi wonders what the sky looks like.

“Oh,” is all he says.

The woman puts him down and walks him back to the bare room he lives in with his mother. She tells him to stay there until his mother comes back, so he does.

When Kuchel finally arrives, he tells her what the woman said to him. Her smile drops suddenly, a hand going to her mouth to stifle a gasp. Tears fall from her eyes almost immediately and she looks at him, concerned. Something about her reaction triggers the realization in Levi that Pelica is dead, just like Maureen, and this means that he won’t ever get to see her again.

He bursts into tears.

*

The trip back to Wall Rose is infinitely more dangerous.

After Levi lays Erwin to rest in one of the dilapidated homes by the river, the small handful of soldiers left in the Survey Corps are made to trek home in titan-infested land without horses. There’s no other choice. They have just enough gas to get over the wall, and they pillage any supplies not destroyed in the carnage. Most of them are able to refill their cannisters, but blades have to be scavenged off the bodies scattered throughout the field. There’s no shortage of those. They fill a few cloth bags with rations that were spared in the attack. There’s no shortage of those either. There’s enough food to feed nearly a thousand soldiers, most of whom now lay wasted in the tall grass. The number of people they have to feed now is less than a dozen.

Levi’s already seen the bloody, desecrated mess that’s been made of the battlefield, but no one else has. The hopeful atmosphere that’s been brewing since they recovered the books from Dr. Jaeger’s basement shatters the moment the others see what mars the first stretch of their trip home. Off in the distance, the flesh of slain titans is still evaporating. Directly in front of them is a landscape overflowing with the viscera of their slaughtered comrades.

There’s no one to clear the field. They don’t have the manpower and there’s no way to transport any bodies back home. There’s no way to honor their sacrifices. It feels wrong, looting supplies off the corpses of their fallen corpsmen, even if it’s for their own survival. No one’s really sure if they’ll survive the trip back home anyway—the chances seem so slim—but they have to try. Levi thinks he sees Armin’s shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Sasha throws up once they get past the small cluster of decimated homes that hug the wall. Eren seems numb to it all—face expressionless, eyes dark. He can’t blame them. The Survey Corps has never experienced a loss as devastating as this, but Levi’s seen the wreckage of their expeditions enough times that he knows how to ignore the horrible sinking feeling in his stomach, the grief that wants to rip through his chest. He holds Erwin’s dream in his hands, just an hour too late.

Hanji leads their small group of survivors towards the forest where their maneuvering gear won’t be so useless. Levi is stuck to her side, just like he was when Erwin first became commander before Levi was promoted. They have the most experience and they’re least likely to die if they do encounter titans, so they’ve silently agreed to be the first line of defense. They move only under the cover of night when titans are least active. They make it to the forest just as dawn breaks and spend the day high up in the trees. The next few days will be the most dangerous—it’s mostly flat land from here on out.

Frankly, it’s a miracle no one else dies along the way.

*

Things get exponentially worse after that.

With only Claire left to watch over him, things get complicated. Kuchel and Claire try to argue with the brothel owner over their schedules, trying to convince him to make it so they never have to work at the same time, that way Levi always has somewhere to go. He won’t hear it. He says it’s not really under his control anyway—the customer is always right, after all.

The first time his mother is requested and he can’t go to Claire’s, she simply tells Levi to wait in the hall. She tells him to wait until he’s called back in and specifically not to go to Claire’s room or open anyone else’s door, not that he would want to do that anyway. Levi simply wanders up and down the corridor until he gets bored of that and sits himself against a wall. Sometimes the women that live there walk past him. They mostly ignore him, as they always do. Another woman moves into Maureen’s old bedroom and she seems to hate him for no reason. She spits at his feet whenever she sees him in the hallway, tells him he’s a pest, that his mother would be better off if he didn’t exist. It’s not the first time someone’s told him this.

Sitting in the hallway goes alright for a while. One day, however, the brothel owner comes to the back. He’s clearly drunk, can barely walk straight. He’s trying to close for the night but Kuchel is still servicing one of his customers. He let it go for a while, drinking to pass the time, but he wants to go home now and he’s been getting increasingly angry the more he drinks. He should be irritated at the customer, but instead he’s angry at Kuchel. He comes to the back to yell at her and tell the man to get the hell out of his bar, but he has to pass Levi sitting outside first. He’s always hated Levi and Levi has always been scared of him.

“What the—” he lets out a loud belch, “what the fuck are you…doin’ out here?” he can’t even keep his eyes straight to look at him.

Levi doesn’t know how to answer.

“Well?” the man shouts.

When Levi still doesn’t answer, the man kicks him in the stomach. Levi nearly throws up from the force. He starts to slump over with tears in his eyes, but the man loses balance and the foot that kicked him in the stomach lands hard on his hand, practically crushing his fingers under his boot.

Once again, Levi feels like he can’t breathe. Every time he tries to inhale it feels like his stomach burns and ties itself into an even tighter not. Tears drip from his eyes and fall in a puddle on the ground. His hand lays limply—it feels hot from the inside and whenever he tries to move his fingers a searing pain shoots through them. The man wanders down to the room his mother is in. He bangs on the door and yells something incoherent until Kuchel opens it and the man inside leaves. He yells at her some more and then storms off.

His mother’s eyes scan the hallway and find Levi laying on his side on the ground. She gasps and runs over to him, picking him up and carrying him back to their room. She doesn’t have any kind of first aid supplies, but she tears a piece of cloth off an old shirt and wraps Levi’s fingers together even though she can’t make a proper splint. It’s the only thing she can do besides hold him while he gasps and hiccups, crying silently because it hurts to breathe. The bruises from both injuries last for weeks. Kuchel can’t leave him out in the hallway anymore.

She only has one option now.

The next time she has to work and Claire can’t watch him, she hides Levi in the wardrobe in the corner of their room. Before the client comes in, she helps Levi climb inside. She tells him to be very quiet and to plug his ears. She says not to come out for anything, even if he hears strange noises. His mother will come get him when its okay to come out. Levi seems frightened, but his mother tells him it’s alright, so he does what he’s told. He does hear strange noises, even though his hands are covering his ears, but he doesn’t move an inch. It’ll be another ten years before he thinks back on this moment and realizes what his mother’s job was.

Things had slowly been going south for a while, longer than Levi had really known, but it starts to take an even steeper turn. Kuchel knows something is wrong with her, but she doesn’t know what. Even if she did, she probably couldn’t afford to fix it seeing as how she can’t even afford to see a doctor in the first place. She just tries to keep it under control.

She loses her appetite, and at first Levi doesn’t even notice. He just sees more food on his own plate and is incredibly grateful for it. Kuchel tells him it’s because he’s been so well-behaved when she’s working and that she feels bad Levi can’t play with someone instead.

One day, when his mother comes to pick him up from an increasingly rare visit to Claire’s, Levi wraps his arms around his mother in a hug and notices there’s…less. There’s less of his mother to hug now. He doesn’t quite know what to make of it, but he hugs her just as tight nonetheless. He doesn’t notice how her hair lacks its usual luster, or how her cheeks have sunken in a little. However, he does notice how tired she starts to become, how much pain she seems to be in. He asks her to play with him—she always says yes. She starts to say no. She tells him she’s too tired, or that she doesn’t feel well. Levi’s disappointed, but there’s nothing he can do, so he plays quietly by himself while his mother sleeps more and more often.

Sometimes Claire comes and picks him up from his room, takes him back to hers and plays with him or makes him dinner, even if his mother’s not working. He’s incredibly happy he’s getting to see Claire more often again, but he thinks something’s wrong with her too. Her smiles seem less bright and she also seems tired, but in a different way than his mother. She seems sad, sometimes, or worried. Levi tries to play with her or make up stories to take her mind off of it.

Then she disappears. All of her clothes and the few pieces of jewelry she owned are gone too, but nothing else seems out of place. Levi finds a piece of old, yellowed paper on her desk. It looks like it’s been ripped from one of the blank pages that are always at the end of her books. His name is written at the top and her name is written at the bottom, but that’s all Levi can read. It’s only a few lines long. No one else knows what it says either. He holds onto it anyway.

He’s restless after Claire disappears. He doesn’t know what to think. He thinks she hasn’t died but that he’ll most likely never see her again anyway and the thought leaves him easily upset. Tears well up in his eyes at times he isn’t expecting. He’s confused and irritable and he doesn’t feel much like playing anymore, especially by himself. He wanders aimlessly around their small room, sometimes peeking out the door but never actually leaving. His mother mostly stays in bed now and Levi finds himself curled up with her most days.

There’s no one to watch over him anymore, but he doesn’t spend much time in the wardrobe either. His mother doesn’t work much—hardly at all—actually. Their food, as well as their money, dwindles slowly. Levi goes from being fed more than normal to barely a meal a day. His mother was feeding him most of their food, but her trips out to buy beans and rice and stew become more infrequent the weaker she gets. The sicker she becomes, the more she starts to sleep. She only wakes up for Levi, when he comes to bed or when he tells her he’s hungry.

The days start blurring together. In his short five years, there’s never been a cohesive way to tell time except by his schedule. Wake up, eat, play, visit Maureen or Pelica or Claire, play more, eat again, sleep, repeat. Those are his days. Now, though, his mother always sleeps. There’s not much to eat so Levi doesn’t have the energy to play, even if he wanted to. He doesn’t. He takes naps with his mother, but he never knows how long they’re asleep for. He’s always tired now too. He falls asleep, he wakes up, he paces around the room restlessly. He feels hungry, so he tries to wake his mother up. Most of the time she’ll get up to make him something, but sometimes she just grumbles and turns over. Levi crawls back into bed with her when she does that because at least he won’t feel hungry if he’s asleep. Eventually, he gets so hungry it keeps him up instead and he grows even more lethargic.

Then it all changes. He wakes up from another nap that took him far too long to fall into, his stomach panging from hunger. He doesn’t think he’s been asleep awfully long because he woke up so many times in the middle, his sleep light and his stomach demanding. When he can no longer ignore the pain in his belly, he tries to wake his mother once again.

He pushes on her shoulder lightly, like he usually does. She doesn’t stir, so he pushes a little harder, shaking her gently. She still doesn’t move and Levi frowns. Levi brushes her hair out of her face and runs his hand down her cheek like she used to do to wake him up, but even then—nothing. She doesn’t wake up and mumble something and fall back asleep like she does more often now. She doesn’t do anything. Levi’s heart races. He shakes her more violently, his vision blurring. When she still doesn’t do anything, he keeps shaking her shoulders and calling out for her until he can’t see anything through the tears running down his face.

After a few minutes of failed attempts to wake her up, Levi is bawling harder than he ever has in his young life. He panics—there’s nothing he can do. He wails so loudly his thin voice breaks and cracks. There’s that feeling again, like he can’t breathe. His chest heaves with ragged gasps and when he manages to get enough air in his lungs he howls with horrified grief.

Levi has always been a quiet child. Reserved. That’s something that hasn’t changed much, even now—Levi has always been a man of few words. He remembers clearly when his mother died—he’d never been louder. He’d never been more afraid. He couldn’t call out for help. At the time, he barely understood what was happening and didn’t know who or what to call out for, so instead he cried and screamed until his throat was raw, hoping someone—anyone—would come.

Levi didn’t know how much time had passed, but in the middle of his weeping he heard a banging on the door. His heart skipped a beat.

“Kuchel! Shut him up already!” someone called from outside, then left.

Levi didn’t think it was possible to cry harder than he had been, but the despair he felt at his utter abandonment, his total helplessness, was far too big for his small heart to contain. The wail he let out could’ve shattered his own ears. He almost threw up from the effort, but his stomach had nothing to expel.

He laid despondently on the floor, sobbing for hours until no more tears came out. Even then, his breathing stuttered like crying. His throat hurt, his face was red and irritated from wiping away his tears, and his head throbbed. He wasn’t hungry anymore. He was simply exhausted. He laid there on the cold ground, whimpering until he fell asleep once again.

It would be two more days of sitting in this room alone with his mother’s body, numb and starving, until someone came and found them.

*

Levi took it upon himself to retrieve Erwin’s body.

A little more than a year after Erwin’s death, all the titans inside Wall Maria had been exterminated, a secure path to Shiganshina had been established, and the district began its rebuilding efforts. Erwin’s grave was marked in the plot where all Corpsmen were buried, right between the only two Survey Corps Commanders who were still alive. Levi resolved it was time to bring him home—put him to rest in the place he belonged. A place where he could be honored.

Hanji offered to join him in solidarity, but he refused.

He left far before sunrise for the half-day’s journey to Shiganshina. It was a quiet ride there, a somber atmosphere surrounding him, his horse, and an empty wagon. He arrived by mid-day to the sound of construction, laborers tearing down unsalvageable buildings and trying to restore ones that could be saved. It was almost on autopilot that Levi found the house he remembered laying Erwin to rest in.

The front door had broken down in the long year he’d been away. He pushed his way carefully inside. It was strange still, seeing everything in exactly the same place, looking lived in except for the overgrown plants creeping in through broken windows and cracks in the wall. He made his way back up the stairs, a surreal feeling passing through him. He approached the landing slowly, hesitating to open the door he knew led to Erwin.

He inhaled deeply and took one step into the room before he stopped. That same surreal feeling of déjà vu grew inside him. There, still, was Erwin, dressed head-to-toe in his uniform, face covered with his cloak. Even the flowers that he’d placed on the table were still there. Rather than wilting or decaying, they had simply dried in place, now forever preserved. The only sign that anything had changed was Erwin’s uncovered hand, the one he had once clasped with remorseful finality, which Levi could see now was only bone.

He stood in the doorway for minutes that felt like days. He didn’t know what he expected when he offered, or rather demanded, to be the one to bring Erwin’s body back. Maybe this was it.

Levi never grieved where others could see. Maybe that was why he hadn’t wanted Hanji to come along. Maybe that was why his throat felt so tight, why his eyes shone so brightly as he approached the side of the bed.

“It’s been a while,” he whispered. _I’ve missed you._

“I’m sorry it took me so long to come back for you,” _Can you forgive me?_

“but it’s time for you to come home now.” _It’s not the same without you._

Levi shook his head.

_I don’t regret my decision, though. Not for your sake._

_But what about mine?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading <3   
> I might make this into a series because I also wanted to write about Levi's life during and post-Kenny. Let me know what you think (comments make my day <3).


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